Purposed Parent Connected Child Podcast - Episode 071 – Does Your Family Think You’re a Complainer
Welcome to the Purposed Parent/Connected Child podcast – Episode 071 – Does Your Family Think You’re a Complainer?
I adore the witty personality of my youngest daughter. Being with her is such a delight. Because she didn’t come to live with us until she was nine years old, she didn’t begin the phase of copying my actions until she was about ten. Although that’s later than most daughters try to “be like mommy,” it was perfect timing for her developmentally.
Since she was older when we were able to become her parents, I can’t take credit for the joy she carries. It’s such a deep blessing to be able to tell people that it is totally a gift from God to watch her dimpled smile and hear her sweet words. For example, if she drops a Lego creation it has taken her days to complete, she will shrug and say, “Well, I’ll built it again.” How many children do that? How many adults can shrug that disappointment off that easily?
Mothers understand that most children observe and mimic what their parents do. Unlike teens, they want to be just like mommy or daddy and enjoy repeating actions as well as words. It’s cute to see how they interpret their parents. That is, unless what those adults do is annoying, mean, or a chronic habit.
Have you ever been around someone who seems to enjoy complaining? What a relief it is to escape their company! But what if the culprit is your mother? Or maybe you might be the complaining mother.
A mother’s habits will likely become the habits of her children.
Her interpretation of life formsthe way her watching children shape theirs.
Take a moment to think about the answer you would give to the following questions: What does your child learn and begin doing by watching you?
When troubles or trials arise, does your family hear you complain?
If that answer is yes, what can you do to flip to praise and teach your child to do the same?
A woman who can’t stop certain negative traits becomes known as a “complainer” to others. While those around her still love her, they tend to spend less time with her or often change the subject when around her to alleviate disagreements or discomfort. They don’t want to give her cause to gripe about anything else. It’s especially difficult when that person is your mother. Think of how this affects your children if that is the case in your household.
Most complaining mothers seem to carry basic habits. Let’s highlight some of the most common characteristics of mothers who complain. I’ll also list the ways people view the complaining mother and the effects of her negativity on the family. As you listen, honestly assess whether you see yourself in any of these descriptions.
1. Stubborn – The stubborn mother might hear what others say, but will let no one change her opinion. In her mind, she’s always right. Relationships may fracture around her, but she never ties it to her behavior. It’s difficult for anyone to try to explain another point of view to her, because she just ends up explaining her position again. The bossy mother would rather be right in her own mind than learn a new viewpoint or way of doing something. She’ll sacrifice relationships and happiness just to prove a point, even if she would begin to question herself. Her husband and children may begin constructing walls to guard against the pain she causes or they may become stubborn themselves, causing even more tension in the household.
2. Angry – Life can be hard. The angry mother shows it on her face, in her attitude, and her actions. When anything happens that is below her expectations or desires, she doesn’t mind letting everyone know how she was wronged. Somehow she doesn’t notice people backing away from relationship with her. They need respite from her to enable themselves to maintain joy. Others in the household become angry, as well. It can be almost impossible to maintain peace or quiet in a home of angry people.
3. Bossy – Most everyone knows what a bossy kid on the school playground is like. Sometimes those kids don’t change. They grow up and become your mother. The bossy mother has a need to maintain control over events and lives. She’s confident her way is always best. Children with bossy mothers often grow up to be bossy. A bossy mother also finds it difficult to maintain a close relationship with her spouse. Her attitude affects everyone around her, leading to shattered relationships and broken connection.
4. Selfish – When most people become a parent, they understand the privilege and blessing they have been given. Some see raising children as a hardship and can’t let go of selfish desires. Whether it be time, love, attention, or sometimes even necessities, a selfish mother just can’t forget what she wants or place the needs of others above herself. It doesn’t matter who suffers around her. She really doesn’t see the needs of others as important.
5. Critical – People often have a natural critic living in their head. It takes a maturing walk with Jesus to silence that voice speaking deceit into their life. However, sometimes a critical mother is the culprit placing negativity in the minds of her children or spouse. The critical mother most likely had someone criticize her often in life and that fueled her unconscious need to continue the line. When a mother picks apart what a child or spouse wears, says, or does, when she nags about relationships, friends, choices, or simply can’t say anything nice, you may know a critical woman who can’t escape the need to criticize. Like the other complainer qualities we’ve been discussing, this trait tends to break down the family unit and the confidence of those the complainer lives with.
6. Controlling – Often the critical, controlling, and bossy mother are one and the same. When a woman feels that she has little or no control over her own life, the need to control others will surface or become more prominent. Whether it is over a particular issue or a major character trait apparent often, the controlling mother usually pushes her husband and children away. They will resort to trying to claim peace, joy, and freedom in other ways that may be harmful, because those fruits of the Spirit feel stripped when they are in her presence.
7. Explosive – Have you ever been around someone who seems fine one moment, but can explode like a triggered bomb was just detonated inside them the next? The explosive mother is adept at holding in feelings and emotions until she simply can’t tolerate it any longer. She is an expert at inflicting damage to those around her when the shards of her behavior hit.
8. Shaming – This is when a mother constantly makes her child feel guilty, confused, or humiliated for thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing something. Or it could be that the mother constantly criticizes and causes her child to feel bad for making choices different than she would make. Shaming seems to go even further than criticizing as it strips confidence when they may not be able to change what the mother is shaming. Children expect mothers to be protectors, not predators.
9. Mouthy – When a mother can’t stop voicing her opinions, advice, or criticisms, she is what is defined as a “mouthy” mother. She may be motivated by stubbornness, criticism, bossiness, envy, or a host of other traits, but she doesn’t know when to stop talking. Her words become hurtful and begin to feel like personal attacks. When family members have a mouthy mother, they spend less and less time with her. Daily life or family gatherings are a chore instead of a delight. Instead of creating joyful memories and influencing her children or spouse for Christ, the mouthy mother drives wedges between herself and those God has gifted to her.
Did you see yourself in any of the descriptions? If not, wonderful! Why don’t you go an extra step and ask your family whether you fit any of the traits mentioned in the podcast. Sometimes we don’t recognize the problems we cause for those around us.
If you do recognize yourself in any of the descriptions, your family might secretly think you’re a complainer. Talk to them. Let them know you want to work to erase those toxic traits and better honor Christ in your home. Ask God to restore relationships that have been damaged. Ask God to point out where to begin and ask Him to carry you through the process of transformation.
Maybe you didn’t see yourself in any of the descriptions because you are purposely allowing the Holy Spirit to transform your mind, heart, and character moment by moment. Continue allowing God to carry you through the trials and triumphs of life. Continue allowing Him to examine the places in your heart that may have been hurt or neglected so you don’t hurt or neglect others. Just as we can look at certain trees and expect a particular fruit to bloom on the buds of the branches, others notice the fruits of the spirit within believers who submit to Christ and allow transformation of mind and heart.
When a mother relies on her strength or places her desires and will above God’s purposes, she loses the gift God provides through the fruits of the Spirit. She also damages the relationships of those God entrusted to her circle of love and influence.
Galatians 5:22-26 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”
In order to influence your family for Christ, they must see Jesus alive in you. Matthew 22:37-39 says, “Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” The Holy Spirit working within you to administer fruits of the Spirit guides your character, conduct, and communication. Let Him fill you with the godly love of Christ that seeks others above self. If you are seen as a complainer now, through His strength you will soon be recognized as one who unselfishly models the love of Christ.
Dear Heavenly Father how blessed we are to have the gift of fellowship with You through the sacrifice of Jesus. Thank you for Your everlasting love, mercy, and grace. You have made a way where there was none before and given us instant access to You at any time. Help us use that privilege to submit to the Holy Spirit You deposited within us. Help us allow it to transform our character, conduct, and communication. May we be aware of the way we represent You and use that knowledge to humble our actions and reactions so that they mirror what You would do. Help us to be seen as godly and unselfish modelers of Jesus who place you first and the needs of others next. May we love others as You desire and allow You to fill the empty places inside of us that need a godly overhaul to erase those remnants of the old person we were before You brought us the gift of eternal life with You. In the precious name of Jesus we pray. Amen.
Supporting and encouraging mothers to rest in Christ and pursue a holy relationship with Him so they purposely raise set-apart children is the cry of my heart. I believe godly parenting is rooted in relationship with Christ and the mindset a mother carries. That’s why I’ve created the Set-Apart Collective.
Have you decided peers and culture won’t be the main influence over your child? Would you like to parent to prepareyour child, not to repair a relationship? In the Set-Apart Collective, you will deepen your walk with Christ, learn a Christ-centered Motherhood Mindset Model, and create a Purposed Parenting Plan. You will be a purposed mother with an intentional mind and heart set on Christ and your family. The Set-Apart Collective wait list is open now. The first group of women is currently growing together.
Please send me an email at info@terrihitt.com to let me know you’d like to receive information. In fact, when you email me, use the word: PREPARE in the heading and I’ll extend a special offer to you. It’s time for believing mothers to be purposed in preparing their children for a lifetime pursuit of Christ together.
If you connected in some way with this episode, would you please rate and review the podcast on Apple or Spotify? It only takes a few minutes and makes a huge difference in people finding the podcast. You and I know that the best reviews are by word of mouth, so would you please choose a friend to recommend the show to? Let them know that the podcast is found at terrihitt.com, Apple Podcasts, and Spotify. Imagine the change we will see in the way mothers parent for Christ if they learn to be intentional, too.
Remember, if you’re not purposed in knowing Jesus and showing Him to the next generation, the world will likely sway your children away from Christ. I pray that what you hear on this podcast enables you to stop being a good mom and focus on being a godly parent. Until next week, keep looking Up while focusing on new ways to parent with eternal purpose and connection.