Purposed Parent Connected Child Podcast Episode 116 - Do Your Children Think You Play Favorites?

Welcome to the Purposed Parent/Connected Child podcast – Episode 116 – Do Your Children Think You Play Favorites?

Thank you for sharing your day with me. I pray this podcast gives you the awareness and tools you need to STOP being a GOOD mom and BECOME the GODLY mom God entrusts you to be. Then you will be the SET-APART woman PURPOSELY raising children to chase CHRIST over culture.

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Now on to this episode with an important question…do your children think you play favorites?

When my husband and I were preparing to go to China to bring home our middle daughter, our son was already in his early twenties, but he was so excited. In fact, he said he’d always wanted a younger sibling. In contrast to him, our oldest daughter was in her mid-twenties, but her reaction was the opposite. Jaime had always been the only girl, and also the first grandchild on both sides. She was jealous, and told us so.

Despite the age your children may be, having a sibling can lead to rivalry. Jealousy and frustration seem to be a common bond in many homes. Sometimes these emotions arise over something seemingly trivial. Or sometimes major disagreements cause the competition. Whatever the case, sibling jealousy or the thought that mom or dad are playing favorites might be in your child’s thoughts.

It shouldn’t be surprising. When you consider that even adults can sometimes feel jealous or competitive, it’s easier to understand that children can have those thoughts and emotions. It doesn’t make their accusation true, but it’s easier to acknowledge how the thoughts can arise. Especially when you take into consideration personalities, age-spacing, or birth orders.

As your study your family, consider how with friends, some people just seem to mesh well together. Certain friendships or types click. If you examine your personal interests, your personality, and the other personalities in your home like your spouse and children, it’s easier to understand that your kids could misunderstand your parenting techniques and plans very easily. You can begin to see that they might take a word you say or an action you make in a way that was not intended.

Perhaps you share a common interest with one child, yet feel like you have nothing in common with another. You love them both dearly, but never run out of activities to share with the one who enjoys what you do. It’s easy for the second child in this example to feel misunderstood, neglected, or forgotten.

Perhaps you have a child with a special talent or athletic ability and you travel a lot with that child and you go to every game, or a lot of activities with them. Maybe the other child is quieter, more private. Maybe they read or write a lot or they don’t have activities that require viewers. It would be easy for that child to feel that no one cares about their interests. They may begin to believe that the other child gets much more attention, not even realizing the reason behind that fact. Or you may have a child with special medical or learning needs. More time is spent with that child, and other children may build frustration or jealousy over time.

Add in the personalities of each of you, the experiences in life so far, and shared interests I spoke of earlier. You could have a recipe for big feelings and challenges in your home. Just like with Cain and Abel, sibling rivalry got way out of hand. I wonder how aware Adam and Eve were of the hatred and jealousy Cain felt and the rage that was growing inside. I’m not saying you may have an issue this big in your home, but we need to be aware of the emotions of our children and the way they see and relate to what goes on around them.

Because each person in the family sees the world through eyes and hearts with different experiences, influences, and routines, as well as genetic makeup, we may bond more easily with those who are just like us. Or maybe it’s those who are different that we can more easily craft deeper relationship. For whatever reason, humans are simply drawn to certain traits and characteristics. But as parents, we have to be aware of tendencies we carry that could lead us to appear that we’re playing favorites.

I was so honored that my oldest daughter shared her thoughts of jealousy over getting a baby sister. Thoughts are important and drive feelings, which lead to actions. When our children are courageous enough to share intimate thoughts or emotions with us, we must listen. Maybe they’re right in what they feel. Maybe they’re not. But those feelings or emotions are valid and need to be processed. We need to respond to what feels like truth to them in that moment.

I remember telling our oldest that I was so thankful she shared her thoughts. I assured her she didn’t need to be embarrassed. Then after we chatted a bit I asked her if I could share my thoughts. I told her to think of her dog. After she spoke of how much she loved her Miniature Schnauzer, I then told her to think of her cat. I reminded her that when she only had the one pet, her dog, she had never expected to love another animal. But when she got her cat, love for her dog didn’t decrease. Instead, her heart expanded to make room for even more love for the cat. All this time, her heart kept allowing her to continue loving both animals more every day.

Then after she expressed how true the analogy was, I assured her that was how we felt when we had her. We never thought we’d love another baby like we did her. Then her brother came along. Our hearts grew to allow room to love both and it kept growing with more love for them daily. Our hearts were just expanding again to allow love for our new baby Marissa to join the family.

Jaime immediately understood this analogy. Plus, she had time to savor the truth of how love works before her sister came home. Guess what? Once she met her new sibling, she fell head over heels in love. In fact, she often referred to Marissa as “the smartest baby alive.”

This experience with my oldest daughter made me wonder about ways parents can assure children that they don’t need to worry about whether they play favorites. But what if the child is right? Sometimes it does happen, whether purposely or by accident. What if one or both of a child’s parents do play favorites?

I was reading an online article in Discover Magazine last week that stated 70% of parents admit to playing favorites. Now first, let me say that I’m not recommending this article. In all honesty, I didn’t agree with a lot of it, but the fact that there was such a high percentage of parents who admitted to favoritism between children surprised me.

What I do believe however, is that whether or not there is favoritism, a child’s thoughts dictate their feelings and behaviors. Meaning there can be long-term effects from even the misconception that you play favorites.

In fact, children who simply believe their parents play favorites are more prone to drug and alcohol use as early as the preteen or teen years. They also are more susceptible to depression, aggressiveness, and poor academic work. All that matters in this situation is whether your child thinksyou play favorites.

It is good to remember that there will be times when you do treat your children differently. Older children, for example generally have more privileges and responsibilities than younger. The younger child may want to do everything the older child gets to do, and think you’re being unfair or playing favorites. The older child may feel the burden of responsibility and believe the younger child has an unfairly easy life.

The truth is that you and I will never be perfect mothers, but we can place safety rails on the track of our relationship with our children.

Here are eight tips to help your children feel assured that you don’t play favorites:

1. Don’t compare kids – each of your children is personally created by God for unique purposes. Teach them this beautiful truth as they grow up. Help them and (yourself) identify the gifts, interests, and talents crafted into them. Ask God to give you His eyes to see and heart to love the special children He has entrusted to you.

2. Don’t set yourself up to be accused of favoritism – When you compare your children or spend noticeably more time with one over others, your children will most likely question your feelings for them in comparison.

3. Do spend individual time with each child – I know you’re probably already stretched on time, but make sure to look for ways to spend individual time with each child. Every day there are countless ways to show attention to each one. It begins with looking them in the eye when you speak. Smiling at them when they enter a room. Hugging them when you see them. Little gestures go a long way to build connection. If you have a lot of responsibilities and several children and find it difficult to be alone with them, consider setting dates on the calendar to let them know you prioritize the time you have. Make sure the time you have with them is by the language God coded into them. For example, if your child loves art, visit a museum or do a craft together. If your child is a sports nut, play a game together or go watch a game. You can even spend time at home watching a game on the sofa together. When you reach them where their interests are, you show them your love and care are genuine. You prove you accept them as they are and don’t want them to be like a sibling or anyone else.

4. Do validate feelings – Look for changes in behavior of your child. Watch their eyes. I can tell so much from the expression my youngest gives. It’s easy to see whether she is joyous or disappointed. Since I know her, I easily recognize many of her feelings through her eyes. If your child is like this, mention that they seem (whatever mood) and start a conversation to learn more about how they are feeling. Listen when they tell you, without shrugging their words off and telling them things will be okay or that they are wrong. Let them express how they feel and believe that they’re heard before you attempt to offer solutions.

5. Do work together to find a resolution – Once you know how your child feels, find what you can do to help. Does your child need extra attention or time with you? Does your child need direction on how to resolve an issue with a sibling? Whatever you uncover can make your relationship closer as you work together, even if it takes time and intentionality.

6. Do model and maintain strong communication – To help ensure your children don’t get the wrong impression of your relationship with them or others in the family, keep lines of communication open. Look for ways to begin and continue conversation each day. Don’t let disagreements linger. Respect opinions and feelings. If you want them to share feelings, make sure you share yours, too.

7. Pray for your children daily. Pray specific prayers and pray Scripture. Pray for yourself and your spouse.

8. Say “I love you” every chance you get. I’m surprised by the number of families who don’t speak the words enough. You never know when you’ll see someone for the last time. Make sure they’ve heard you say “I love you” recently. Make sure you’ve shown them you love them in your actions, too. Be the godly mentor you’ve been entrusted to be for your children.

Keeping your ears and eyes alert and watchful for signs of animosity or disagreements between your children will help ensure your family doesn’t get stuck in a muck of jealousy. If your children tell you they believe you’re playing favorites, don’t argue. Let them speak their mind and express thoughts or feelings. You’re blessed that they trusted you enough to communicate with you, and you will be able to use some of the tips mentioned in this podcast to repair or restore relationship quickly.

Dear Heavenly Father, we bow before You with humble gratitude and love. Thank you for Your goodness and gracious gift of Your children in our life. We know we aren’t enough to parent them. But You are. We have Your Word and the gift of prayer to keep us connected. Please help us remember to utilize these blessings to reach our children where they are and help them move where You want them to go. Help us be godly moms who show no favoritism, but parent as You would have us to. In the precious name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

This is the part of the episode that you usually hear me talk about the Set-Apart Collective. Today I want to share about my new mini program called “Establish Identity.”

Why? Your identity is a major force behind what you do. Who you believe yourself to be, and who you find your identity through affects the way you live, parent, love, serve, and discipline. Your identity is one of the lifelines, a pulse point of your home.

Do you ever stop to think that you are the first Jesus your child will see? Even if they are grown, your identity affects your child. The way you think, speak, and react is rooted in your identity.

Send me a message at info@terrihitt.com if you’d like details or go to terrihitt.com and join my email list. You’ll get updates before anyone else and hear a little about what makes this so important. If you join the email list you’ll also be able to access free resources such as my new Good to Godly: A 31 Day Scripture and Prayer Guide for Moms.

One last thing to remember - if you’re not purposed in knowing Jesus and showing Him to the next generation, the world will sway your children away from Christ. I pray that what you hear on this podcast enables you to stop being a good mom and focus on being a godly parent. Until next week, keep looking Up while focusing on new ways to parent with eternal purpose and connection with your children and Christ.