Purposed Parent Connected Child Podcast Episode 117 - Should Kids Be Spanked?
Welcome to the Purposed Parent/Connected Child podcast – Episode 117 – Should Kids Be Spanked?
Thank you for sharing your day with me. I pray this podcast gives you the awareness and tools you need to STOP being a GOOD mom and BECOME the GODLY mom God entrusts you to be. Then you will be the SET-APART woman PURPOSELY raising children to chase CHRIST over culture.
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Now on to this episode with an important and controversial question with an often divided answer…should kids be spanked?
First, I want to start with a story.
I was on a neighborhood walk recently when a loose dog was crisscrossing the street and a screech of brakes alerted me that it was almost hit. Terrified by the sound and the loud voice of the driver, the dog stood frozen in front of the car. When the owner heard the commotion and saw his dog standing in the roadway, he lovingly called from his yard for the dog to come to him. Seeing his beloved, trusted master and hearing his sweet call, the dog quickly ran home, expecting safety. Instead, as soon as the dog reached him, the owner beat his dog and yelled at him for being in the street. Will this act change the behavior of the dog?
As you know, the topic of this episode is spanking, so you might wonder why I opened with this story about a dog. You could argue that a dog and a child can’t be compared as they don’t reason the same. However, according to developmental tests reported by NBC News, even the average dog has the abilities of a toddler. In some areas, dogs are even more intelligent than preschoolers.
Speaking of preschoolers, according to a study by the American Psychological Association, they’re the most likely group to be spanked. I don’t want to make this episode one that shames, but I do want parents to realize the gravity of the gift we’ve been given. We are raising children for the Great I Am.
We want to be good parents. Of course we want to do our best. But remember, our best falls far below the standard of our holy Heavenly Father.
That’s why we must, as those entrusted to parent for God, stop and evaluate the reasoning behind why we make specific decisions and why we take certain actions.
Why do some parents choose to spank instead of correcting their children in another way? What do we think we’re teaching our children when we respond with such forceful correction?
As we ponder these questions, it leads me to the next ones. Should spanking be the first act a parent takes when a child needs correcting?
Are parents behaving biblically when they spank? Or are they succumbing to frustration? Or last resorts when they grab the belt, hair brush, or use their hand in an effort to teach their child?
Most parents who spank were spanked as a child. It’s the way they were raised, so it’s what they revert to. But does that mean it is the best method for training God’s children in righteousness?
Is spanking the choice we should make to build connection with God and us?
Many parents also share that the reason they spank is to cause pain that changes the behavior of their child. We have to consider what type of changes will occur.
Surprisingly, research also indicates that parents will hit their child more frequently when they are an active or strong-willed boy between the ages of three to four. When you hear that statistic, how does it make you feel? The common phrase, “boys will be boys” seems appropriate in this application. Does the fact that boys disrupt quiet or make messes make them targets for spanking? Does spanking make them better men when they grow up? Or does a relationship of teaching and connection make the necessity to spank disappear? The answers to these questions are what parents should seek before deciding to spank.
We’ve talked about some of the reasons parents choose to spank. The frequency of spanking also varies based on parental or child age, race, gender, education, or socio economic status of the family. The topic of spanking is a divisive one. Most people have feelings one way or another. As I shared earlier, those feelings often stem from the way parents were disciplined as a child.
One Bible verse is often quoted as evidence to back pro-spanking parents. Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” If we look at the verse with an observant, knowledgeable heart and take our thoughts captive for Christ to prayerfully seek God’s wisdom in this area, we may come to a different conclusion about spanking.
For example, Strong’s Lexicon, a type of concordance, teaches that the rod was generally a stick used by shepherds for protecting and guiding their flocks. Shepherds used the rod to steer the sheep in the right direction, or to keep them gathered when they strayed. The rod was also used to fend off predators or warn and comfort the sheep.
Used these ways, the rod isn’t a tool for inflicting injury. Instead, it is a tool for loving, protective guidance. When many parents hear the word discipline, they imagine spanking or another form of punishment. However in biblical days the meaning was quite different.
In the semitic root, the word rod refers to a type of measuring stick. In the same way we use a yardstick today, the rod was used to measure distances to danger or to measure the growth of sheep in the shepherd’s care. The rod was not intended to inflict pain upon people or sheep.
The word rod is also used for scepter. Although the verse from Proverbs 13:24 is usually interpreted as a directive to spank children, when we consider how a scepter was used, we understand that it could be used to extend grace and mercy or death by the King.
Since the king wouldn’t speak much or at all to his subjects, he would often make his intentions or directives known by his scepter, the recognized symbol of authority. Whether it was the king or an appointed servant using the scepter, it was understood that the instrument held authority. So as we read Proverbs 13:24 we can see that the rod is seen as the idea of authority, not a literal rod.
If you also consider that it was Solomon who penned the verse in Proverbs, you must remember that he was a king. His terminology would have been written with the mindset of one who used the scepter for the purposes I just shared. As king, Solomon was an authority figure to many, but remember, he was also a father, or symbol of authority to his children. Using this frame of thinking, we can reason that Solomon wasn’t condoning beating children, but instead encouraged using the rod, which would be showing love or direction.
So, when parents extend the rod, we are paying attention to what our children are doing. We are considering the current situation, as well as looking forward to the future. We are choosing to extend mercy by correcting the behavior, not simply punishing.
Dealing with the situation we need to address doesn’t mean to beat or spank. It doesn’t mean to ignore the actions of our children, either. Just as God extends mercy and forgiveness to us when we are disobedient, He also allows us to suffer consequences. Consequences will differ depending on the act and repercussions, but God doesn’t desire that we beat down children. His discipline is always designed to reach and transform our heart for Him. Just as we should intentionally strive to do with the children He entrusted to our care.
Correcting our children means to instruct and guide in ways that lead to Christlikeness and connection through heart change.
Remember, lack of discipline can cause destructive or ungodly morals and behavior. So does the wrong kind of discipline. Discipline offered in angercan destroy connection and confidence in the parent, then ultimately in Christ.
Spanking doesn’t show loving discipline that exhibits clear connection between the action of the child and the consequence.
Spanking is often given in anger or bitterness, frustration or embarrassment, or even because of a feeling of disrespect. Spanking often resembles beating and can inflict injury, but doesn’t reach the heart of the child. Also, parents often spank in the heat of the moment and can accidentally abuse their child.
Since spanking isn’t tied to natural consequences of the behavior, it has often been shown to increase aggressiveness in children. Instead of resorting to spanking quickly, pay attention to the times your child is misbehaving. Could it be when you’re very distracted or busy and your child is trying to get your attention? Is your child misbehaving because he is tired or hungry? Look for the root cause and discipline to bring about godly discipleship.
Remember, discipline should be loving guidance and correction that disciples the heart, not a form of punishment.
Discipline comes in many forms. Children are unique. There is no “one size meets all requirements” approach. But I do believe every parent should see the word discipline as discipleship to keep them accountable to building relationship and connection between their child and God.
All godly correction should allow children to grow up with closer connection to Christ and family, and a joy-filled life with respect for their Heavenly Father and society. Discipline should be a step that builds transformation of the heart of your child.
If a parent still intends to spank, I do not recommend it as a first form of correction. Just as I said earlier, children are unique on purpose. Just as God reaches each of us in different ways over time, parents must find what form of discipline works for each child. Be careful not to use a strong-willed child as an excuse to spank. Find ways to craft that strong will into a strong heart for godliness and with connection for Christ. Your child’s will must be guided, not squashed into rebellion.
Alternate means of correction might be: loss of privileges, time out, time in, stern looks, hand signals, a hushed voice, work, or redirection of behavior. Use your situation to find natural consequences for teaching your children, but always remain mindful of the objective of stepping them closer to God and changing their heart for Him through the form of correction you choose.
When a child consistently misbehaves or disobeys, it’s important to locate theroot cause in order to reach their heart for change. Remember, discipline should be correction and training toward discipleship, not punishment. Discipline should be designed as an instrument that assists in correcting behavior and facilitating heart change.
Spanking doesn’t get to the core of what needs correcting.
Correcting behavior (which stems from the heart of your child) allows you to draw your child’s heart nearer to Christ. Addressing heart issues moves the child closer to transformation, both in the heart and in the behavior that stems from it. Spanking punishes, but doesn’t change the heart, except perhaps planting bitterness that can place a wedge between parent and child, or more importantly, between Christ and child.
Proverbs 9:10 which says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”
Apart from the Lord we don’t have wisdom or understanding. Both are needed as you prayerfully determine whether God calls you to spank His children.
Remember, that in order to change behavior, children should also see that their parents acknowledge their own personal sins. They need to understand that Mom and Dad repent to God. Then they understand that correction is a lifelong process for both children and adults. They begin to understand that we all need behavior that is fitting to the Lord. Everyone needs to honor God and submit to Him so we develop obedience and closer relationship with Him.
Consider this thought - spanking doesn’t teach children to obey the parent or obey God out of love, trust, and obedience. We know that God’s grace and mercy should be the motivator used to discipline children. Discipline should be intended to draw the heart and mind of children nearer to the heart and mind of God.
Using discipleship as discipline is the way to reach the heart.
God’s Word teaches, corrects, trains, equips, and forgives. Our method of correction should do the same and build a foundation for our children to desire God’s Word and ways.
Make sure you and your spouse are prayerfully aligned, so you’ll follow how God instructs you to discipline to disciple.
Dear Heavenly Father, we praise You for Your mercy and goodness to us. Thank you for gifting us with the honor and privilege of raising Your children. Thank you for Your patience and forgiveness in our lives. Please show us the way to mentor our children with Your loving kindness. Don’t let us forget the holy authority You entrusted to us with the responsibility of parenting Your precious children, even on the most challenging days. Help us to seek You in every way, including the way we discipline to disciple. Help us keep You in the forefront of our mind so we remember the truth that discipling should be correcting and directing, not punishing. Help our children love, trust, honor, and obey You because they see us do the same. Show us the way to the hearts of the children in our care. Transform us daily because we continue to seek You and rest and abide in Your capable arms. In the precious name of Jesus we pray. Amen.
This is the part of the episode that you usually hear me talk about the Set-Apart Collective. Today I want to share about my new mini program called “Establish Identity.”
Why? Your identity is a major force behind what you do. Who you believe yourself to be, and who you find your identity through affects the way you live, parent, love, serve, and discipline. Your identity is one of the lifelines, a pulse point of your home.
Do you ever stop to think that you are the first Jesus your child will see? Even if they are grown, your identity affects your child. The way you think, speak, and react is rooted in your identity.
Send me a message at info@terrihitt.com if you’d like details or go to terrihitt.com and join my email list. You’ll get updates before anyone else and hear a little about what makes this so important. If you join the email list you’ll also be able to access free resources such as my new Good to Godly: A 31 Day Scripture and Prayer Guide for Moms.
One last thing to remember - if you’re not purposed in knowing Jesus and showing Him to the next generation, the world will sway your children away from Christ. I pray that what you hear on this podcast enables you to stop being a good mom and focus on being a godly parent. Until next week, keep looking Up while focusing on new ways to parent with eternal purpose and connection with your children and Christ.