Purposed Parent Connected Child Podcast Episode 126 - How to Avoid Tantrums

Welcome to the Purposed Parent/Connected Child podcast – Episode 126 – How to Avoid Tantrums

Thank you for sharing your day with me. I pray this podcast gives you the awareness and tools you need to STOP being a GOOD mom so you can BECOME the GODLY mom God entrusts you to be. Then you’ll be the SET-APART woman PURPOSELY raising children to chase CHRIST over culture.

Just a quick reminder as we start, if you enjoy Purposed Parent Connected Child podcast episodes, would you please share this episode or others with a friend or family member? When you graciously take a moment to do that, and leave a rating or review at Apple Podcast, you are ensuring that others will find the podcast. When you do, you’re helping affect generations for Jesus.

Now on to this episode that makes us consider an important question… do you know how to avoid tantrums?

Many parents have experienced being the center of attention with a child who decides to throw a tantrum while out shopping or at an event. While this isn’t an unusual event, when it happens, the situation makes you feel like the only person this has ever happened to. You feel like every other parent present is focused on you, your parenting skills, and your reaction. It’s easy to convince yourself that they’re already judging your skills.

I always thought I was such a good mom with my first two kids because I never experienced this happening to me. That was before my third daughter let me know “good” parenting wasn’t enough. Her behavior at the mall one afternoon forced me to make an assessment about what I had done to let her down. How could I have better prepared both of us so that she didn’t have to feel so out of control that she threw a fit at the mall?

Just like adults, children have a tipping point. How many times have you put up with being over-tired, but you pressed on? Or maybe you had to go to an event you weren’t thrilled about, and your attitude wasn’t the best, but you went anyway. Perhaps you had to run a last minute errand you weren’t physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared to complete, but there wasn’t a way to get out of it. Life feels like this for children, too. Except they usually don’t have a say in what we spring on them.

During the time my daughter had her tantrum at the mall we were going through very difficult times with extended family. My daughter was young and didn’t have the ability to let me know her thoughts and emotions. All I wanted was to go to the mall for a while and not have to think about anything. I wanted to let my little girl play in the toddler area and just let her have fun. I wanted to feel like I was living a normal life doing a normal activity. I thought going to the mall, walking around to window shop and seeing people, then letting her play would be relaxing for both of us. I thought afterwards we’d go home for lunch and she’d take a nap.

Do you notice how many “I” statements are here? Did you catch that I had personal expectations for the day? I’d been going through a lot, which meant my child had also experienced disruption from our normal routine. Although she seemed to be doing fine, and I knew she liked going to the mall and riding in the stroller, as well as playing in the children’s area, I wasn’t paying attention to subtle clues that would have alerted me that she was low on her emotional charge, as well.

On that particular day when we arrived at the play area, I released my daughter from the confines of the stroller and sat near her, watching her play. My outgoing toddler loved watching the older kids, and was great at playtime alone, as well as with strangers. Happily alternately interacting with others and playing alone, she moved about with a huge smile shining from her face and eyes.

Until it was time to leave.

Because I wasn’t paying attention to her cues and I didn’t exercise parenting wisdom, I didn’t give enough transition time before rounding her up to go home. From the first slip of one of her legs into the stroller, she let out loud squeals of disagreement. Nothing would dissuade her as her volume continued to increase. With what felt like all eyes on me, I hurried from the area.

When attempting to talk to my daughter didn’t work because by then she was too upset and loud to hear me and her eyes were squeezed shut as she screamed, I stepped up my pace like I was in a marathon and hightailed it to the parking lot. Still howling as I struggled to put her in the car seat, my daughter’s cries had me worried someone was going to confront me. Would they think I was kidnapping her? Oh, I just wanted to get home.

This was not a normal reaction for my girl. My toddler obviously had strong feelings she didn’t know how to express. She was too young to verbalize her emotions or thoughts, except through the now high-pitched screams she couldn’t stop. Because there had been a lot of disruptions in her daily schedule recently, she was over-stimulated and now totally exhausted.

I’d been thinking of what I needed and missed the fact that we should have stayed home that day. Instead of going out, being at home together with a relaxed day where I gave myself permission to do nothing but play and spend quiet time with my daughter would have been the best course of action to rejuvenate our spirit, mind, and connection with each other.

Have you ever made choices that you wish you could change? That was me that day. All I wanted was a relaxing day, but instead of looking for cues from my child, and using God-given wisdom, I forged ahead with what I thought would be fun for both of us without really paying attention to the fact that we were both already overburdened and overstimulated.

I’m not saying I should have let her have her way when she started throwing a fit. But chances are very high that there never would have been a fit if I had been more considerate of our schedules and the fact that we both needed down time. Because it’s very important that we become observant mothers, here are some tips that you can remember if you find yourself in a similar position.

Here are a few ways to prepare to avoid tantrums:

1. Use Wisdom in Judgement – Is it a good idea to go out? What has life been like recently? Maybe you’ve had too much going on like we did. Maybe you’ve been cooped up and need a break outside the home. Is it best to be in nature or to go to an activity?

2. Inform Your Child – Set expectations. Let your child know (in an age-appropriate version) what you’re doing. For example, tell a toddler, “We’re going to the mall. We’ll play and then come home.” When you’re an observant parent and you pay attention to needs (for both of you), and set expectations consistently, your child will get used to doing what you say because you do what you say. In hindsight, I wish I had driven to a far corner of the mall parking lot and held my daughter for a bit before attempting to drive home. I could have rocked and soothed her instead of just going home. Because I was concerned that someone would stop us and accuse me of kidnapping since I’m Caucasian and she’s Asian, I just wanted to hurry home. Another aspect of setting expectations allows you to transition your child to leave when it’s time to go home. Instead of giving her proper notice through a count down, I shortened our departure and only told her once. Children like to feel in control, especially when things have felt out of control. My daughter was enjoying her time and would have responded much differently if I had handled departure better with a count down.

3. Be Armed With Necessities – When my girls were young, I always carried water and snacks. A hungry, dehydrated, or tired child needs a pick-me-up and you want it on hand before they have time for behavior to spiral. Even adults have a change in temperament when they’re tired, hungry, or thirsty. Let’s give consideration to our children to help them grow and learn sensible habits.

4. Keep Your Child Involved – I consider this letting them know what the plans are in advance, and reminding as needed. This also applies to that transition time I mentioned. No one likes to simply be pulled out of a good time. Respect your child while remaining in authority and they will better respect you in return because you set them up for success and connection.

Now, what happens if things fall short of your expectations or hopes and a tantrum occurs:

1. Be Relaxed, Calm, and In Control – Breathe and pray. Ask God to keep you calm. Ask Him to guide you in next steps. Instead of focusing on what people might think of you, ask for guidance from the expert on your child.

2. Pretend You’re Alone With Your Child (Forget Watching Eyes/Listening Ears) – When you’re at home you don’t worry about listening ears or watchful eyes. Simply climb into God’s arms and ask Him to guide and carry you and your child.

3. It’s Not the End of the World – Even though it feels like it! What can you learn from the experience? What could you have done better? What can you change for the next time you’re in a similar situation? Would you change anything you did this time? Where do you need to focus on yourself or your child to better strengthen certain areas to grow character, obedience, and connection?

4. Are You Parenting the Heart or the Behavior – When troubling times or pressures arise with your child, it’s so easy to want to stop the behavior, especially when you feel like you’re being watched and judged. But the most important task you have as a parent is to bring your child to the heart and feet of Christ. The only way you can do that is by discipling their heart, not focusing on changing behavior. Once the heart knows and obeys Jesus, He will change the heart. Remember this as your top goal each day as you parent, whether it’s during challenging times or moments of ease.

Remember these verses as you adjust your parenting techniques and live and learn from the Lord.

Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Hebrews 12:11 says, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”

If you want more on disciplining, be sure to listen to the Purposed Parent Connected Child podcast episode 117 – “Should Kids Be Spanked?”

Dear Heavenly Father, how great You are. How we need Your perfect presence in our lives. Thank you for making a way for us to parent Your children. Thank you for guiding and guarding our steps as parents if we only rest and abide in Your arms and ask You to show us the way. Please show us the way to reach the hearts of our children for Christ. Help us draw so near to You that they cannot help but find You. Equip us to know how to parent in ways that honor You and the unique children You have entrusted to our care. Help us parent in ways that set our children up for success and strengthen their connection with us so tantrums aren’t a concern. Please help us be pleasing to You. Make us a sweet joy in Your eyes just as I pray our children will be to You and us. In the precious name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

If you’re ready to become the godly mom God entrusts you to be for Him and His children, you’ll love my free “Good to Godly: A 31-Day Scripture and Prayer Guide for Moms.” Visit terrihitt.com to receive this resource.

You are the first Jesus your child will see. Your relationship with Christ is the light that shines Him to your children. If you want a connected relationship with Jesus and your children that leads them to your side and His feet, instead of them seeking validation from peers, my Set-Apart Collective program can show you how to reflect Christ in a way that attracts your family to a connected relationship that lasts into eternity.

If you don’t want peers and culture to be the main influence over your child, if you desire to parent to “prepare” your child for eternity with Christ, not repair your relationship with them, the Set-Apart Collective will arm you with a Christ-centered Motherhood Mindset Model™, and create a Purposed Parenting Plan™. You’ll also deepen your identity in Christ so you can mentor the way for your children to do the same. You will be a purposed mother with an intentional mind and heart set on Christ and your family and you will have the tools to raise set apart kids as you parent the heart, not simply the behavior.

If you’re the mom of an adult child and in need of strengthening connection with them, you can also visit terrihitt.com/coaching and click the link for a free, no obligation conversation call with me. This is a strategic call where I will hear your biggest struggle and show you how to turn it into a blessing that will bring you closer to Christ and your children. It’s time for believing mothers to be purposed in preparing their children for a lifetime pursuit of Christ. Time is short. Make yours matter for eternity. Remember - if you’re not purposed in knowing Jesus and showing Him to the next generation, the world will sway your children away from Christ. I pray that what you hear on this podcast enables you to stop being a good mom and focus on being a godly parent. Until next week, keep looking Up while focusing on new ways to parent with eternal purpose and connection with your children and Christ.