Is Spanking Biblical?

When I became a parent at the age of eighteen, I had never held, fed, or diapered a newborn. Everything I knew about parenting came from babysitting my younger siblings. Of course, I also considered how my parents had raised me, but we had a lot of times left alone as children, and I was determined to change what I didn't like. That also left me free to incorporate what I did appreciate.

Because of my inexperience, I respected authorities in the parenting space at the time I became a mother. Whether that figure came in the form of doctor, magazine article or book I read, or simply through speaking with and observing other parents, at my young age, I respected voices that seemed to carry wisdom, as well as established older mothers. I believed they must know what they were talking about simply because they were experienced.

When my husband and I raised our first set of children we disciplined them as we had been punished as kids. When the need was there, we spanked. However, years later, when my husband and I knew God was calling us to bring home our sweet baby girl in China, we considered what God would consider the correct way to raise and discipline the precious child He was gifting to us.

By this time, we had matured our walk with God through a deeper relationship with Christ. As we considered how we parented our first set of children, we also considered whether our techniques reflected God or followed societal expectations. One of the things we reconsidered was our method of discipline.

Checking our Thoughts About Spanking

Did you know that the word discipline actually means "training to act in accordance with rules?" After we parented our first set of children, we could see that the way we'd corrected behavior in our previous set of children had largely been to train them to follow rules. But those rules were the way we expected them to behave according to expectations of society. We wanted them to grow up to be kind, successful, loving rule followers who did what was expected.

As we prepared to begin our second journey of parenthood a generation later when we brought our baby home, we realized we had parented the first time more from a worldly viewpoint, rather than drilling down to discover exactly how God desired us to parent through His Word. We were young and ignorant, although we were always told that we carried such wisdom for our age.

Instead of seeking insight from God's Word, studying the mistakes and successes of biblical characters, and praying for God's constant direction with each of our first two children, we unknowingly gave higher priority to the "experts" of this world rather than God's Word.

Because we were adopting a baby who would already be ten months old when she came to us, we made sure to study and learn much about adoption parenting, which included building strong connection. Learning these techniques made such sense to me. In fact, this parenting style seemed to be the best way to build strong attachment with any child, not just one who came from challenging places.

Checking the World's View on Spanking

As my mindset shifted from a "typical" foundation of parenting, I deeply desired to be a mother who was pleasing to God first, and who built strong attachment with my child that would lead her to strong connection with Christ. I recalled that the word discipline actually means "training to act in accordance with rules" and realized the key was in training kids to follow God's rules instead of the world's expectations. Finding the way to guide the heart of my baby daughter and connecting deeper with my older children would come through viewing discipline not as punishment, but as discipleship for Him.

What do I mean by discipline as discipleship, not punishment? I'll share a story that will highlight my explanation.

I was on a neighborhood walk recently when a loose dog was crisscrossing the street and a screech of brakes alerted me that it was almost hit. Terrified by the sound and the loud voice of the driver, the dog stood frozen in front of the car. When the owner heard the commotion and saw his dog standing in the roadway, he lovingly called from his yard for the dog to come to him. Seeing his beloved, trusted master and hearing his sweet call, the dog quickly ran home, expecting safety. Instead, as soon as the dog reached him, the owner beat his dog and yelled at him for being in the street. Will this act change the behavior of the dog?

You may argue that a dog and a child can’t be compared as they don’t reason the same. However, according to developmental tests reported by NBC News, even the average dog has the abilities of a toddler. In some areas, dogs are even more intelligent than preschoolers.

Speaking of preschoolers, according to a study by the American Psychological Association, they’re the most likely group to be spanked. I don’t want to make this post to come across as shaming, but I do want parents to realize the gravity of the gift we’ve been given. We are raising children for the Great I Am.

Checking Expectations Around Spanking

We want to be good parents. Of course we want to do our best. But remember, our best falls far below the standard of our holy Heavenly Father.

That’s why we must, as those entrusted to parent for God, stop and evaluate the reasoning behind why we make specific decisions and why we take certain actions to discipline or disciple.

Why do some parents choose to spank instead of correcting their children in another way? What do we think we’re teaching our children when we respond with such forceful correction? Should spanking be the first act a parent takes when a child needs correcting?

Are parents behaving biblically when they spank? Or are they succumbing to frustration? What prompts a parent to grab the belt, hair brush, or forcefully use their hand in an effort to teach their child?

Most parents who spank were spanked as children. It’s the way they were raised, so it’s what they remember and revert to. But does that mean it is the best method for training God’s children in righteousness? Is spanking the choice we should make to build connection with God and us? Many parents also share that the reason they spank is to cause pain that changes the behavior of their child. We have to consider what type of changes pain will bring.

Surprisingly, research also indicates that parents will hit their child more frequently when they are an active or strong-willed boy between the ages of three to four. When you hear that statistic, how does it make you feel? Does the fact that boys disrupt quiet or make messes make them targets for spanking? Does spanking make them better men when they grow up? Or will a relationship built through teaching and connection make the necessity to spank disappear? The answers to these questions are what parents should seek before deciding to spank.

Frequency of spanking also varies based on parental or child age, race, gender, education, or socio economic status of the family. The topic of spanking is a divisive one. Most people have feelings one way or another. As I shared earlier, those feelings often stem from the way parents were disciplined as a child.

Checking God's Word on Spanking

One Bible verse is often quoted as evidence to back pro-spanking parents. Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” If we look at the verse with an observant, knowledgeable heart and take our thoughts captive for Christ to prayerfully seek God’s wisdom in this area, we may come to a different conclusion about spanking.

For example, Strong’s Lexicon, a type of concordance, teaches that the rod was generally a stick used by shepherds for protecting and guiding their flocks. Shepherds used the rod to steer the sheep in the right direction, or to keep them gathered when they strayed. The rod was also used to fend off predators or warn and comfort the sheep.

Used these ways, the rod isn’t a tool for inflicting injury. Instead, it is a tool for loving, protective guidance. When many parents hear the word discipline, they imagine spanking or another form of punishment. However in biblical days the meaning was quite different.

In the semitic root, the word rod refers to a type of measuring stick. In the same way we use a yardstick today, the rod was used to measure distances to danger or to measure the growth of sheep in the shepherd’s care. The rod was not intended to inflict pain upon people or sheep.

The word rod is also used for scepter. Although the verse from Proverbs 13:24 is usually interpreted as a directive to spank children, when we consider how a scepter was used, we understand that it could be used to extend grace and mercy or death by the King.

Since the king wouldn’t speak much or at all to his subjects, he would often make his intentions or directives known by his scepter, the recognized symbol of authority. Whether it was the king or an appointed servant using the scepter, it was understood that the instrument held authority. So as we read Proverbs 13:24 we can see that the rod is seen as the idea of authority, not a literal rod.

If you also consider that it was Solomon who penned the verse in Proverbs, you must remember that he was a king. His terminology would have been written with the mindset of one who used the scepter for the purposes I just shared. As king, Solomon was an authority figure to many, but remember, he was also a father, or symbol of authority to his children. Using this frame of thinking, we can reason that Solomon wasn’t condoning beating children, but instead encouraged using the rod, which would be showing love or direction.

So, when parents extend the rod, we are paying attention to what our children are doing. We are considering the current situation, as well as looking forward to the future. We are choosing to extend mercy by correcting the behavior, not simply punishing.

Checking the Heart Regarding Spanking

Dealing with a situation we need to address doesn’t mean to beat or spank. But it doesn’t mean to ignore the actions of our children, either. Just as God extends mercy and forgiveness to us when we are disobedient, He also allows us to suffer consequences. Consequences will differ depending on the act and repercussions, but God doesn’t desire that we beat down children mentally, emotionally, or physically. His discipline is always designed to reach and transform our heart for Him. Just as we should intentionally strive to do with the children He entrusted to our care.

Correcting with our children means instructing and guiding in ways that lead to Christlikeness and connection through heart change.

Remember, lack of discipline can cause destructive or ungodly morals and behavior. So does the wrong kind of discipline. Discipline offered in anger can destroy connection and confidence in the parent, then ultimately in Christ. Spanking doesn’t show loving discipline that exhibits clear connection between the action of the child and the consequence.

Spanking is often done in anger or bitterness, frustration or embarrassment, or even because of a feeling of disrespect. Spanking often resembles beating and can inflict injury, but doesn’t reach the heart of the child. Also, parents often spank in the heat of the moment and can accidentally abuse their child.

Since spanking isn’t tied to natural consequences of the behavior, it has often been shown to increase aggressiveness in children. Instead of resorting to spanking quickly, pay attention to the times your child is misbehaving. Could it be when you’re very distracted or busy and your child is trying to get your attention? Is your child misbehaving because he is tired or hungry? Look for the root cause and discipline to bring about godly discipleship.

Remember, discipline should be loving guidance and correction that disciples the heart, not a form of punishment.

Discipline comes in many forms. Children are unique. There is no “one size meets all requirements” approach. But I do believe every parent should see the word discipline as discipleship to keep them accountable to building relationship and connection between their child and God.

All godly correction should allow children to grow up with closer connection to Christ and family, and a joy-filled life with respect for their Heavenly Father and society. Discipline should be a step that builds transformation of the heart of your child.

Checking God's Will Regarding Spanking

If a parent still intends to spank, I don't recommend it as a first form of correction. Just as I said earlier, children are unique on purpose. Just as God reaches each of us in different ways over time, parents must find what form of discipline works for each child. Be careful not to use a strong-willed child as an excuse to spank. Find ways to craft that strong will into a strong heart for godliness and with connection for Christ. Your child’s will must be guided, not squashed into rebellion.

Alternate means of correction might be: loss of privileges, time out, time in, stern looks, hand signals, a hushed voice, work, or redirection of behavior. Use your situation to find natural consequences for teaching your children, but always remain mindful of the objective of stepping them closer to God and changing their heart for Him through the form of correction you choose.

When a child misbehaves or disobeys, it’s important to locate the root cause in order to reach their heart for change. Remember, discipline should be correction and training toward discipleship, not punishment. Discipline should be designed as an instrument that assists in correcting behavior and facilitating heart change.

Spanking doesn’t get to the core of what needs correcting. Correcting behavior (which stems from the heart of your child) allows you to draw your child’s heart nearer to Christ. Addressing heart issues moves the child closer to transformation, both in the heart and in the behavior that stems from it. Spanking punishes, but doesn’t change the heart, except perhaps planting bitterness that can place a wedge between parent and child, or more importantly, between Christ and child.

Proverbs 9:10 which says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Apart from the Lord we don’t have wisdom or understanding. Both are needed as you prayerfully determine whether God calls you to spank His children.

Remember, that in order to change behavior, children should also see that their parents acknowledge their own personal sins. They need to understand that Mom and Dad repent to God. Then they understand that correction is a lifelong process for both children and adults. They begin to understand that we all need behavior that is fitting to the Lord. Everyone needs to honor God and submit to Him so we develop obedience and closer relationship with Him.

Consider this thought - spanking doesn’t teach children to obey the parent or obey God out of love, trust, or obedience. We know that God’s grace and mercy should be the motivator used to discipline children. Discipline should be intended to draw the heart and mind of children nearer to the heart and mind of God. Using discipleship as discipline is the way to reach the heart.

God’s Word teaches, corrects, trains, equips, and forgives. Your method of correcting should do the same, while building a foundation for your children to desire God’s Word and ways. Make sure you and your spouse are prayerfully aligned, so you’ll follow how God instructs you to discipline to disciple His children. Together, under God's direction, you will discern whether spanking is biblical.