Updated: Oct 17, 2020
Grief. What is it, really? When we imagine the word, the pain is deep, wide, and brutal.
The technical term for grief, as described in the dictionary is: keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow. Yesterday I learned that for me, it marks sorrow. Although the news we received from the cardiologist about my precious daughter was not what we wanted, I know it could be much worse. Yet, I had to allow myself to grieve. Many things. I had to face the unknown answers to ugly questions I try not to think about daily. Because I want to walk in humble and blind obedience to You. I want my gaze to remain lifted to You. Blinders on to distractions. Yesterday facts attempted to shatter my peace. Realities of this world forced me to consider complex questions. Will she reach adulthood? How much longer will she enjoy life without more suffering? Will we always make the best choices for her? Are we going to lose another child? Although once a neglected orphan, the Lord has never let my precious girl out of His sight. The truth is that she will never be outside of His care. I know without a shadow of doubt Who is in control of the situation. My prayers must continue to guide me and help me stay connected to my Heavenly Father. Faith and trust will carry me through. I know Who holds today and tomorrow in the palm of His mighty and loving hand. Still, after knowing and understanding these truths, I needed time to process the news and my emotions after the surprising cardiology visit.
Romans 9:2 pens the depth of my spirit. “I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart.” I hurt so deeply for what my daughter will one day endure as her heart slowly fails. I hurt tremendously for many things in this world. My mind cannot fathom the depth of the distress and sorrow our Heavenly Father feels daily. He loves each of us so much more than we can comprehend. Although I know this, the truth sunk in even more deeply yesterday as I humbly bowed to the Lord in brokenness and grief. When I keep my focus on You, Lord, I am always comforted and my heart is put at ease. You know every single emotion and thought I have and completely understand. God, thank you that I am privileged enough to be the mother of my special needs child. Thank you so much for your gift of my precious daughter. You knew at the beginning of time that she would one day fill my arms and heart. You alone will guide and direct me in the ways You desire us to care for and love her. When I see the way she looks at me, I see Your love reflected. As I instruct her in daily life, I see Your actions as she continues to grow in empathy and love for others. When she obeys our teachings, I see the way You have worked through me to teach her the love You hold for her. My girl is learning to love and honor You so much that she takes pleasure in obedience and adores me like a treasure. Oh,Lord, the gift and joy that brings me. It all comes from You. God, I don’t understand what is in store for us, for her. Yet, my spirit tells me You are not done with us. You are not finished with her. As I travel each day, I consistently search for the treasures you send. Thank you for a physician who is proactive. We are grateful for health care. Thank you for our sweet girl who trusts everything we do. At one time, she did not know us, just as we did not know you, Jesus. Now she trusts all we do. Just as I am to trust You. Lord, thank you for daily reminders of how much deeper our love and trust can go to You as we continue in humble surrender and obedience moment by moment. I am committed to following You. The peace I feel today is solid. There are no tears. I know You hold the key. You are worthy to be praised. My faith does not falter. My trust does not waver. I do not have to ponder the possibilities. Instead, I choose to focus my heart and mind Up to You. You call me to trust. My heart knows Your truth. You have carried me through hard before. You will continue to. For You have never forsaken me. Not once. You never will. Help me shine You boldly to others. May I be a light attracting many to You. Thank you for trials that deepen my trust and dependence on You. Obstacles are opportunities that drive me to You in deeper ways. Allow me and my family to remain on our knees before You. Go before our every need. Bless the life of my child and allow her to shine You as only she can as she walks the path You created for her. God, the endless gifts You have bestowed on me leave me breathless. May I be worthy of sharing and caring for them. For her. Luke 12:48b says, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” I am immensely grateful.