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Devote Myself

For years, I worked incredibly hard on chasing my dream of becoming a published fiction writer. I completed several manuscripts in the mainstream and romance categories. Then I felt a stirring in my spirit that I knew came from God.

He was calling me to give up writing; to give my desire to Him. He began taking the aspiration away. It wasn’t His plan for me.

What I began doing instead was devoting more time to Him.

Oh, I already knew and followed Him, but now I began doing so in earnest. I read my Bible through a few times and began listening intently to the new stirrings He placed in my soul.

They were the same ones He was placing in my husband.

Only God can simultaneously plant seeds in the minds of a husband and wife.

We both suddenly knew we had a baby waiting for us. Our little girl was halfway across the world in China. We had no idea whether she was born yet. We had no knowledge of how to adopt internationally. No outside factors matter when you step out in faith.

God is in the details. His timing is perfect. His beauty surpasses the expectations we set.

Oh, how I love Jesus.

I never knew He had a plan for us that was the opposite of what I thought I’d ever want.

Yet it fit me so perfectly. We already had two bio children, and we loved them fiercely, but had no plans of starting over once they were raised. God did.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8, 9

God had big plans. His ways are higher.

Oh, how I love Jesus.

He began showing me ways to improve myself; how to carve a deeper my walk with Him. He filled my heart with intentional thoughts of how to raise my child to know, love, honor, and obey Him.

He humbled me where my spirit needed it. So that I could bow in reverence and help others do the same. I had known and loved the Lord for years, but now Jesus penetrated me in a much deeper way. New purpose was set in me and my deepest desire in life was to love my daughter to Jesus and to try to reflect Him to others as much as I could.

One intentional step at a time.

Oh, how I love Jesus.

Life is so hard. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

The hardest years of my life have been the last ten. We have been hit in many ways, one after another. Yet, those years have brought me even closer to the One who completes me.

All the burdens and hardships have grown my roots even deeper. The deeper root length has penetrated soil to reach intense nourishment.

Sweet blessings have also been born through the pain.

I’ve often pondered a thought. Without losing my oldest daughter, our first child, would I have had the faith to step out to adopt again? Knowing the child He placed on our heart had a shortened life expectancy, would I have possessed the courage to look death in the eye and press forward?

Only through God.

Our second daughter from China came with a heart condition that would only respond to palliative care. Only God knows how many years we have with her. All our days are numbered.

I was the mother who grieved for others who lost children. I knew losing a child would be the worst thing that could happen to me.

But through our deep loss, I internalized a truth.

The worst thing that could ever happen to me would be to lose God.

Because of Jesus, that will never happen.

I knew that the Lord carried me through the first loss. He is more than able to carry me through anything.

In fact, He yearns to carry us all. In every way. Every moment. Every day.

Oh, how I love Jesus.

How He loves us.

How He loves you.

Now God has filled me with new ideas for Him. He has given me back the writing I offered to Him. He has a plan.

My prayer is that I continue growing and reflecting Him more each day. I never want to be the person I am today when I wake up tomorrow.

Through Him, I will continue maturing. So will you.

Oh, how I love Jesus. Because He first loved me.

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